Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Marriage. Show all posts

Top 6 Ways To Stop Fighting With Your Spouse

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Arguing, fighting, bickering with your spouse? You’re not alone.
spouses arguing
Every married couple argues from time to time.
But when these fights get too frequent or too heated, they can be a one-way ticket to divorce.
Try these 6 simple, effective tips and techniques that will allow you to put to STOP these toxic arguments and ensure they don’t continue to damage or destroy your marriage.

6 Ways To End Arguments With Your Spouse

These 6 tactics I’m about to cover are just a starting point.
Yes, they’re all really helpful in preventing fights with your spouse, so you should start using them immediately… but for most people, this isn’t the only thing that’s contributing to your marriage problems, so you need to address any other issues as well if you want to maintain a happy marriage.
Let’s get started with one of my favorite Dispute Defusing Tactics, which I’ve mentioned in a few previous videos because it’s so effective…

Technique #1: Use The 30-Minute Rule

Angry at your spouse about something?
Ready to flip out and start screaming because of what they did or said?
Or maybe your spouse has started the conflict and you’re ready to fight back….
Well, hold up a second.
Actually, hold up 30 minutes.
Why? Well, I can’t tell you never to get into an argument with your spouse. If you disagree, if you need to stand up for something you believe is important and worth discussing with your spouse, then do it.
But before you do, wait 30 minutes. Don’t do anything special in that time–other than avoiding talking about the problem with your spouse–before you begin the discussion.
That 30 minutes will often be enough time to give you some perspective and decide it’s not worth fighting over.
If you do decide to argue, that time will help you cool down and let the emotions settle so you can start the discussion in a civilized, adult manner and prevent things from getting out of hand.
It’s simple tactics like this one that will stop a divorce before it starts.

Click here and take my free quiz to evaluate your current situation and find out whether you’ll be able to fix your marriage.

Technique #2: Take a time-out

If you find yourself in a heated argument with your spouse, then the 30-minute rule isn’t really an option… but you can still take action to make sure the fight doesn’t continue to escalate.
If you’re worried that you or your spouse are going to resort to yelling or personal attacks, you’ll need a way to lessen the intensity of an argument.
A time-out is a great solution to this problem.
time out
Basically, you just need to take a short break during a fight with your spouse to calm your nerves.
Don’t just simply walk out of the room without explanation–that might make your partner even angrier.
Instead, tell them that you need to take 10 minutes to think about things and calm down before re-engaging in a more respectful, productive discussion.
Not only will this help to calm your nerves, but this will help to calm your partner’s nerves as well.

Technique #3: Go to bed angry

The classic advice–that you should never go to bed angry at your spouse–is just totally ridiculous.
You don’t need to resolve disagreements with your spouse–that has probably been an issue for years already–in a single evening?
Or you need to stay up until 3 am arguing before you can go to bed?
No, obviously that’s a terrible idea.
Feel free to go to bed even when you’re mad at your partner, or they’re angry at you
Sleeping on things can often make the issue go away by itself, or at least give both sides some perspective and a chance to think things over.

Technique #4: Take responsibility for problems affecting your marriage

Hate being wrong? Too proud to admit you might also be part of the problem? Me too.
Trust me, I understand that it can be very tough to admit that you’re wrong about anything. When you’re in a heated argument, sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of the bigger picture or start focusing only on “winning” rather than the real issue at hand… or the effect the argument might have on their partner’s feelings.
man takes responsibility for problems
Sadly, researchers have proven that the feeling of “being right” or ‘winning’ is never as satisfying as you make it out to be in your mind. And trying to win the argument is often a synonym for trying to hurt your partner.
Instead of trying to win arguments with your spouse, try instead to focus on seeing things from your partner’s perspective.
Aim to come to a positive outcome of some sort, even if that means you need to swallow your pride and “lose.”
When you realize that your partner has a valid concern or that this argument is about something very important to them, you should consider letting them have this victory.
In the free video presentation on my website, I’ll teach you how you can change your spouse’s behavior without nagging or arguing.
Easier said than done? Yes, but constantly reminding yourself to take a step back and try to see your spouse’s side–and then admit to being wrong or accept a “loss” when it’s necessary to maintain harmony in your marriage–is definitely going to help.
It’s one of the first steps to take if your marriage is in trouble. It could even save your marriage.

Technique #5: Use humor to defuse tension

As I just mentioned, it’s easy to lose yourself in the heat of the moment when you’re arguing with your significant other… and at times things can escalate and become toxic, marriage-threatening fights, even when they initially started over something very minor.
If you’re able to recognize when this is happening in an argument with your partner, humor can be the best way to defuse things and bring back some perspective.
WARNING: You should be careful using this technique when the discussion is about something serious or ongoing… or if you’re fighting over something that’s very important to your spouse… but a lot of the time, a joke or a light-hearted self-deprecating comment and a smile can really calm things down and bring back perspective.
As long as you don’t downplay the issue and make your spouse feel like you’re not taking them seriously, cracking a smile or a joke is a great way to cool things down when arguments get heated.

Technique #6: Spend positive time together

I don’t think this last one needs much explanation, because it’s pretty simple… the more you and your spouse spend time arguing, the more you need to spend quality, enjoyable time together to balance things out.
When you finish a big argument, and things have settled down, suggest something to your spouse that you do something fun together the next evening.
quality-time-together
No need to make it a big deal, just make sure you make an effort to share some positive, romantic time with one another.
This will help you both remember what you love about one another so that the next time you argue, you’ll remember to be respectful.

Does Marriage Counseling Really Work?

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You’ve tried to make it work on your own, but no matter what do you it seems like your marriage just isn’t getting better…
…so you’re thinking about investing in marriage counseling or couples therapy.
But… does marriage counseling really work?
What does it cost? And what are the pros and cons of seeing a marriage counselor?
These are all great questions I’ll be answering below.

Marriage Counseling: Does It Really Work?

First off, though, before we get into whether or not marriage counseling is the right choice, you need to believe…

Marriage Help Is Possible

Whether or not marriage counseling is right for your situation, your relationship is almost certainly not doomed or beyond savingYet.
There are other avenues to fixing a marriage besides therapy or counseling sessions.
I’ve seen marriages come back from the brink of destruction more times than I can count. But, is marriage counseling the way out of the darkness? Does it help?

Is Marriage Counseling Effective?

It’s something I’m asked on an almost daily basis:
“Is marriage counseling just a waste of time and money?”
Parents fighting
The answer is complicated, but I’m going to try and explain it in the simplest way possible.
First off, what is marriage counseling anyway?

How Does Marriage Counseling Work?

If you’ve never been in marriage counseling (or counseling of any kind) before, it can be intimidating. You may be worried that the counselor will judge you or take your partner’s side.
Don’t worry. They’re truly there to help you.
A marriage counselor’s job is to help couples that are having difficulties in their relationship. They listen to both sides, provide advice tailored to your situation, and suggest possible solutions to improve the marriage.
Being a certified marriage counselor or therapist means dealing with a ton of different sensitive issues without judgment. They’re trying to keep you together, not drive you apart.
For example, if you or your partner is cheating, a good couples counselor will not scold or insult you. They work in that field because they’re invested in helping strengthen your marriage and they know that they can’t do that by dragging you down.
You may be saying, “you don’t know my marriage,” and you’re right, but trust me when I say that they’ve seen way worse situations than yours.
If done properly, marriage counseling can teach you to communicate better with your partner, avoid separation or divorce, and save the relationship.
That said, not all couples will benefit from marriage counseling. And not all counselors are created equal.

Marriage Counseling Can Work If…

  • both you and your partner are committed to change and open to the idea of marriage counseling.
  • you are recently married and have only recently started having problems and both of you are willing to stay together.
  • the counselor is experienced, competent, and compassionate.

Marriage Counseling Will Not Work When…

  • your partner is not willing to commit to change or put in the effort to save the marriage.
  • your partner is determined to get a divorce and/or has already initiated the separation process.
  • you or your spouse is set in your ways, stubborn, or against the idea of outside help/therapy.
  • the counselor you’ve chosen is a bad fit or does not have the necessary experience.

Facts & Stats About Marriage Counseling

  • A 2011 paper suggests that marriage counseling helps 7 out of 10 couples.
  • Consumer Reports found that more than 50% of couples who underwent counseling saw their marriages either get worse or remain unchanged.
  • Marriage counseling has the lowest rating of satisfaction of all the different types of psychotherapy. (source)
  • According to a 2013 study, “most therapists practicing today never took a course in couple’s therapy and never did their internships under supervision from someone who’d mastered the art.”

Are There Alternatives To Counseling?

One of the reasons I’ve made a career out of helping couples repair their relationships because I believe there is another, more accessible solution to unhappy marriages than in-person marriage counseling or therapy. That solution is my Mend the Marriage System.
I’ve taken all the knowledge about what makes a marriage work from years as a relationship coach and distilled it down into a foolproof system that can give you the best chance at a happy marriage. Best of all, it costs less than a single session with a marriage counselor.
Mend The Marriage has distinct advantages over marriage counseling. Unlike counseling, which requires both partners to be committed to the process, Mend the Marriage works even if your spouse isn’t willing to try and fix the marriage at present.
Click here to learn more about Mend The Marriage and get started right now.
Whether you choose to register for my program or not, there’s one thing I can say for sure about marriage: a marriage on the brink of collapse will NOT fix itself.
wife and husband see a marriage counsellor

Marriage Problems Won’t Go Away On Their Own

Whether or not you choose marriage counseling, you will need to make positive steps towards fixing your marriage if you want it to get better.
Would you expect to get six-pack abs without ever working out?
No?
Then how can you expect your marriage to magically heal itself? It’s just not realistic.

Marriage Counseling Requires Commitment

In order for traditional couples therapy to be effective, both you and your partner need to be willing to work to fix your relationship.
Couples who only go to one or two sessions with a counsellor or therapist are less likely to achieve their goals than those who are willing to stick it out. This gives a chance for the treatment to work, and it also allows the couple to form a strong connection with the therapist, which has been shown to be a significant component in therapeutic change.
Quite often, one spouse is far more interested in working on repairing the marriage than the other. Your partner may even act like they are interested in saving the marriage but are just trying to get you off their back and avoid further conflict.
In cases like this, marriage counseling often isn’t helpful. You need to take a good hard look in the mirror and ask yourself “Is my spouse as committed as I am to saving our marriage?”

If You Decide To Work With A Counselor…

Individuals and couples interested in getting into couples therapy can check with their health insurance providers or use online databases such as therapists.psychologytoday.com.
Those without insurance, whose insurance does not cover marital therapy, or who are facing other financial hardship can check for government or charitable organizations who can help (such as through the United Way, 211 in many areas or Unitedway.org) or ask local providers if they can provide a sliding scale.

Final Words of Encouragement

Whether you choose to see a counselor (which can be helpful!) or register for my complete Mend the Marriage guide, I’ll be rooting for you!
I absolutely hate seeing any relationship end prematurely, so I wish you the best of luck in repairing your marriage and enjoying many happy years together in the future.
If your marriage faces specific challenges that are unique to your situation, please consider signing up for my personal marriage coaching.
I’ll work with you to develop a plan tailored to your marriage’s underlying issues. I’ll help you determine whether your marriage is even worth fixing, and I’ll be able to help you build a plan to repair it while there’s still time. Click here to register for 1-on-1 coaching now.

References
  • The Clinical Representativeness of Couple Therapy Outcome Research. Wright, J.; Sabourin, S.; Mondor, J.; McDuff, P.; Mamodhoussen, S. Family Process. Sep 2007, Vol. 46 Issue 3, p301-316.
  • The Efficacy and Effectiveness of Marital and Family Therapy: A Perspective from Meta-Analysis. Shadish, W. R.; Ragsdale, K.; Glaser, R.; Montgomery, L. M. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy. Oct 95, Vol. 21 Issue 4, p345-360.
  • Treatment of Marital Conflict and Prevention of Divorce. Bray, J. H.; Jouriles, E. N. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy. Oct 95, Vol. 21 Issue 4, p461-473.
  • Marital Therapy: Qualities of Couples Who Fare Better or Worse in Treatment. Hampson, R. B.; Prince, C. C.; Beavers, W. R. Journal of Marital & Family Therapy. Oct 99, Vol. 25 Issue 4, p411-424.